A primer by Amethyst Angel...

Step 1: Choose a color which best reflects your personality and the kind of message about yourself that you wish to express. If you consider yourself an artistic iconoclast, for instance, you may want to try a color that is beyond the normal chromatic range of natural human hair.

(Hmmm. I'll try fuschia. Nothing screams "I am a kooky bohemian whose life is filled with fun and whimsy! Please pay attention to me! " more than fuschia....

....Yeah, I know. My life ISN'T filled with fun and whimsy, but maybe it WILL BE once I have pink hair. Maybe that's been the one missing piece of the jigsaw, the key to my future happiness...)

Step 2: Read all the safety instructions thoroughly.

(Feh. Who's got time for that? NEXT!)

Step 3: Conduct an allergy test by applying coloring gel to a patch of skin. Wait thirty minutes, wash gel off and then wait 24 hours for any signs of allergic reaction in that area.

(Yeah right. Who the hell in the history of the world has ever done THAT? If it starts to burn after I put it on, I'll just wash it off...)

Step 4: Puesto encendido los guantes del látex que fueron proporcionados este producto...

(Waitaminute...Something wrong here.... These are the SPANISH instructions....)

Step 4: Mis dessus les gants de latex qui ont été équipés de ce produit...

(What the hell? This looks like French. There's gotta be some English directions around here somewhere...)

Step 4: An gesetzt den Latexhandschuhen, die mit diesem Produkt... versehen wurden

(No....no.... NO!)

Step 4: Τεθειμένος στα γάντια λατέξ που παρέχηκε αυτό το προϊόν...

(The FUCK?!)

Step 4: Gezet op de latexhandschoenen die werden voorzien van dit product...

(Well, at least this looks a little less like some weird-ass Ferengi writing and more like something that was written on the planet Earth. But it's still not English...)

Step 4: Put on the latex gloves that were provided with this product...

(Ah! FINALLY! ENGLISH! But what the hell? Why is it that every commercial product that comes out in the U.S. today looks like it's been designed for excluse use in the United Nations building? What happened to people coming over to this country and LEARNING TO SPEAK AND READ IN ENGLISH like our grandparents did? *grumble*)

Step 5: Mix creme gel color and hair developer into the plastic mixing tray...

(Wait! I haven't put on the latex gloves yet! Unh! ....Argh! .....What the hell? Were these things designed for pygmies? That would explain why there are so many languages printed in the instruction book. It was a shipping mixup. I got this box and somewhere in the South Pacific, a pygmy tribeswoman is now opening a box of fuschia hair dye containing instructions all printed in English, and latex gloves that are to her, the size of goalie mitts.)

Step 6: When mixing the color creme and developer, make sure you have adequate ventilation.

(Thanks. *coff coff* That's something I would have liked to have known before I started mixing the freakin' chemicals! *BLARGHCOFFCOFFDIE*)

Step 7:...

(Waitaminute. Let me turn on the shower fan and regain consciousness first...)

Step 7: Use the handy, ergonomically-designed tool provided in coloring kit to apply color mixture to individual locks of hair. Saturate hair thoroughly.

(Step 7a: Realize the handy, ergonomically-designed tool provided in the coloring kit SUCKS ASS, and then try to mash the color gel onto your hair in as artistic a manner as you possibly can with your barely mobile latex-bound fingers.)

Step 8: Wait thirty minutes.

(Step 8a: Set timer. Realize you probably should have taken off your latex gloves before setting the timer. Wipe red goop off of timer. Toss latex gloves, mixing tray, empty tubes and everything except the English part of the instructions into the kitchen trash can where your cats won't get at it.

Step 8b:Use kleenix to wipe down areas of your skin that have some into contact with the horrible sting-y red goop. Realize that you probably SHOULD have done that stupid allergy test at the beginning...oh well...

Step 8c: Look down at stained hands and realize that from the wrist down, you now look like Jack the Ripper. What was the point in wearing those latex gloves again?)

Step 9: Once 30 minutes have passed, put on the latex gloves.

(Wait! Wait! Let me get the gloves out of the trash can!....Ew......Last night's spaghetti....Blech... Aw hell, a few more stained fingers won't make much of a difference...)

Step 10: Rinse hair thoroughy and then apply conditioner cream which came with kit.

(Step 10a: Run to garbage can trailing red, soapy water behind you. Dig through garbage can and remnants of last three meals for conditioner cream tube. Go back to bathroom and apply contents of tube to hair while doing one or more of the following:

I. Mash head into bathtub faucet while rinsing conditioner from hair.

II. Accidentally press shower release button on bathtub faucet, sending a rain of freezing cold water down upon your unsuspecting head and shoulders.

III. Reflexively mash head into bathtub faucet again while trying to pull away from the Freezing Cold Death Shower.

IV. Cry.

Step 10b: Wring hair while pushing blind, screaming rage back down into your soul for release at a later, more convenient time.

Step 10c: Look down at bathtub and realize it now resembles the kill floor of a slaughterhouse. (Gee, hope the landlord and/or the cops don't pull any surprise inspections/apartment searches on me anytime soon...)

Step 11: Review hair in mirror.

(Uhm....It'll look better once it's dry, I'm sure...)

Step 12: Blow hair dry using light heat and gentle strokes.

(Ahhhm....Okay.... No problem... It's only going to be like this for the next *checks instructions* 6-8 WEEKS?!!! FUCK!!!

Step: 12a: Avoid all family and friends for the next 6-8 weeks until your hair goes back to normal.

Step 12b: Next time you decide you want to express yourself as a fun, artsy iconoclast, resolve to just get yourself a damn kinkajou or something...)